Hey Mommas and Daddies,
THIS IS NOT A MAN BASHING BLOG POST! I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A MAN BASHING BLOG POST!
So for many single mothers there is the option to take on child support.
Ok for the people who aren’t parents and follow “The Shade Room” they think child support is the thousands of dollars Chris Brown pays Royalty’s mother monthly.
IT IS NOT SO.
Child Support is 20% of the non custodial parents income and rights for the noncustodial parent to “visit” their child.
Before I get into why I think the child support system is flawed I want to talk about the different reasons why I feel men are a large percentage of the reason for so many single mother households.
So it’s a known fact that over 70% of Black children are living in a home where the single mother is the sole provider. Too many times Black single mothers are blamed for the different problems that are within the Black community because of course someone has to be blamed! * rolls eyes* So mental illnesses, behavior, crime, drugs that’s all because of the single mother! So essentially what is being said is that a single mother can’t successfully raise productive citizens and Im calling bullshit!
Pay attention here.
So since it’s so incredibly easy to blame the parent who is there and is working tirelessly to provide the best life possible without the mental support and companionship that comes with a marriage, that woman gets met with comments like “should’ve kept your legs closed” and “get birth control” blah blah blah! Because she made her kids on her own. Yea ok.
*Blogging on the dangers of birth control coming soon*
Anyway so here’s the problem. The absent fathers and or court ordered daddies are not being held accountable and don’t catch half the slack a single mother does.
Court ordered daddy– Does no more than what the court orders for them to do in a child support agreement.
And let’s not even mention how single fathers are so graciously praised for their videos of them doing their daughter’s hair and having secret handshakes with them. We are not hating here but if a single mother makes a similar video with her and her children she’s going to get hit with the “you got miles” “struggling with your burdens” and “you’re bragging about doing what you’re supposed to do” comments somewhere. While daddy up there gets those “awww this is so sweet” “what an awesome father” and “you’re doing such a great job.” See where I’m going with this. This leads me to the social media daddy.
Social media daddy– Fathers who do the bare minimum, who probably are court ordered daddies and gets on social media and does the absolute most! Showing out like they are the greatest father ever. When that’s probably all they did for the child in the last 2 weeks. Also uses his social media platform to shame or discredit his child’s mother for sympathy or likes. Example: My baby momma wont let me see the kids. Comments say- she’s a bitch or omg this is so sad… *rolls eyes again* because he and you both know he never came to see the kids!
Usually friends without children buy into this type of foolery!
Ok here’s why I feel like fathers are largely responsible for single motherhood in the Black community.
a. These fathers aren’t taught by their mothers or fathers (if he was present) to take responsibility for his actions when it comes to these things. Therefore he’s ignorant and doesn’t know he’s wrong here.
b. He isn’t a man. He simply can’t handle adulthood. Poor job, probably little to no education. (Absent daddy)
c. This guy didn’t want to be a parent. Doesn’t want to change his lifestyle so instead of stepping up to the plate, runs away from the plate and comes to plate when he feels like it.
d. Then there’s the court ordered social media daddy who pretends he’s the greatest dad ever using pictures and videos but does nothing of substance to provide out of spite for his child’s mother. He just wants to “visit” his child but does not want to help actually raise the child. The “in and out” daddy who swear up and down he’s trying but doesn’t really put forth the effort.
Ok here’s why child support is poo.
Child support gives the father the right to visit the child one day out of the week and 1st 3rd and 5th weekends here in Texas on standard visiting. Remember there is not always a 5th weekend.That’s enough days to visit the child I think. Not to help raise one. And with these rights, if the father does not show up there are no consequences so essentially the father is not obligated to show up to receive the child. Also holidays are shared between parents which really isn’t a big deal to many but this is the definition of bare minimum in my opinion. All this is justified because the other parent may pay his 20% of his income to support the child. Which in reality probably only pays for a week at daycare, a pair of shoes and socks. Leaving the single mother to take on the tasks of paying for everything else the child needs to survive. Believe it or not their are fathers who put themselves on child support just to buy an “in and out” relationship. It guarantees them visitation but they don’t actually visit regularly. Foolery I know!
I PRAISE REAL FATHERS! These are fathers who cant go 2 days without seeing their children. They help raise their children. Gets along with their child’s mother and communicates disagreements and goes out his way to create a family style environment even if there is no romantic relationship. These men take their children to appointments ask mom is there anything I can help with around the house, and does not have everybody in their business! I respect these kind. These are the ones where child support is not necessary because he’s a man and wants what’s best for his child’s lifestyle. This guy is not on social media showing out but is real life doing the damn thing called fatherhood! This is what I wish the Black community had more of. This is what I wish single Black women can talk about instead of “my baby daddy aint shit!”. These guys are rare but they exists! I personally know a few women who got blessed!
Daddies, if you are experiencing a situation where you and the mother of your child can’t seem to come to an agreement, do what you would do if this was your girlfriend and sit down and talk about it. You are going to have to discuss things to get passed them. Treat this as if this were your job and talk the differences out in a calm and professional tone. It may be a little difficult but for the sake of the child the mother will more than likely listen to what you are trying to communicate when you make it known you want a better life for the child. Get whatever prior feelings you have about her out of your mind, man up and open your mouth about your concerns. You can’t call a woman an “aint shit baby momma” if you never tried to work out a positive relationship.
Mommas, if you are in a situation where you are dealing with a lot of negative comments and a father who is absent or a court ordered/social media daddy, there isn’t much you can do but request to talk about getting passed the situation and how you guys can become a team to better parent. Having being in this situation this may or may not work but as long as you remain in a positive headspace you can parent and parent damn good on your own. You didn’t ask to be a single parent but you can definitely make the best of that situation. Remember a big part of life is how you respond to what life throws your way. Peace.